Tuesday, May 22, 2018

TIP (2): WHY BISEXUALITY IS NOT THE ANSWER

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This is an important video, in my opinion, if you are in Phase 1 (questioning whether this journey is worth it) and you hear from people that you don't have to go straight because you can just call yourself bisexual and date women. 

If you have 5 minutes or so to watch this video, I explain why over time I realized that bisexuality is not the answer, and the best course is to follow the full journey from gay to straight and embrace the "straight" label. 



I tried for many years to get around the difficulties of explaining myself by calling myself "Bisexual." 

As I explain in this video, this does not work, based on three impacts:

TIP FOR TUESDAY: REALLY THINK ABOUT WHETHER THIS JOURNEY IS FOR YOU

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I cannot emphasize enough the importance of going slow with this journey from gay to straight.

This week I am going to continue to look at points that address as many people's situations as possible. I will make sure to keep politics to a minimum. 

But I know there are lots of people who are in the gay lifestyle who are still at the gate, wondering if they can do this, or whether it is even worth it. And I have this message directed largely at them:



I will look more into this during this week. As a Bible-believing Christian, I think the answer to your situation will never be to continue engaging in sex with other guys. I would love for you, even if you are going to stay in your same network of friends, to stop the sex. But I know that for a lot of people to stop engaging in gay sex, you have to do all the other things we do in Phases 1-4, so you can break the habit. Jesus said that we're defiled by what flows out of our hearts, and if your heart is still full of gay thoughts and memories, it will be very hard to stop the sex.

Still, your life situation may not be such that you can make this drastic change right now. And for some of you, especially those who are not deeply religious, the practical realities of going straight are bad enough that you really want to consider this carefully before you jump into a project of going straight. 

There is always the option of going celibate, which entails directing your sex urge into safe, abstract outlets as opposed to restructuring your living so you find satisfaction with a woman.

Let me speak to some motivation questions we have here.

Here are good motives for embarking on a journey from gay to straight:

1. You feel God wants you to stop doing what you are doing and live a biblical life, but you know that you are not called to be celibate.
2. You feel you are straight and going gay was a mistake. This is a strong feeling that has persisted.
3. You are caught in a harmful pattern in the gay world, not bad enough for you to seek professional assistance, but enough that you know you have to make a break to get out of your situation. But you know that you cannot promise yourself to do without sex and love for the rest of your life. You need to know there is a hopeful end to whatever work you do to get out of gay activity.
4. You feel strongly attracted to women and want to give up relationships with men so you can follow that attraction.
5. You look at human history and sense that something is terribly off kilter about gay culture. It seems unnatural and you will never overcome that sense of discomfort with it. Heterosexual relationships look more natural to you and you will never overcome the sense that heterosexual relationships reflect your own yearnings and life goals.
6. You want to be a father and want to give the best life and upbringing to your children.
7. You have started a relationship with a woman already and are falling in love fast, to the point that you need to break off with the gay world so it does not ruin your relationship with her.

(Just so you know, my main motivation was actually #7, but it led me to feeling the other 6 over time.)

All the motivations above are good.

Here are bad motivations for trying to go straight:

1. You don't like being stigmatized or called names for being gay, and it seems like if you are straight you will be more accepted. 
2. You are annoyed with things in the gay world and think straight life is going to be easier.
3. You just had a bad breakup with a boyfriend and are really mad.
4. You have watched a lot of straight porn and think it's more fun than gay porn.
5. You have to please your parents.
6. Your parents are going to cut you off if you don't go straight.
7. Straight men seem like they are more handsome and you want to be more handsome.
8. You can picture yourself being a massive stud if you can just figure out how to have sex with girls.
9. You are considered unattractive in the gay world and think you will have better luck in the straight world because you see a lot of hot women dating ugly men.
10. You are HIV+ and want to start a whole new life where you are not surrounded by HIV-related stress.

As a Christian I want everyone to find God and live a Christ-centered life. But if you are motivated by items 1-10, I doubt this journey is going to work for you. It is hard enough to do when your motivations are good, but if your motivations are poor, you set yourself up to fail.

Consider other options

Going straight means that you are preparing yourself and changing yourself so you will be a good husband to a woman. The end goal is to marry a woman and satisfy her in a chaste, healthy sexual relationship.

There are other ways to resolve your situation:

1. You may decide to become celibate. I will try to find decent websites to explore this option for you. Don't count it out too quickly. (This is especially important to consider if you are HIV+.)

2. You may decide you are bisexual. I think this is a very bad idea, which I will discuss at length this week. But people have chosen this route, and some have managed to build healthy relationships with women even while they keep a bisexual identity.

3. You may decide to identify as gay and keep all your ties to the gay community, but just marry a woman. This strikes me as awful but I know some people defend this approach, especially in the Christian world.

4. You may decide to get into a marriage of convenience and cut a deal with a woman that allows you to do gay things on the side. The thought of this makes me scream, "no, no, no!" But I have to be honest about the hardships of going straight the way I am recommending it.

5. You may stay gay and stay in the gay community but strive to reduce unhealthy behaviors and avoid sodomite sex acts. This would have to entail getting help on things like sex addiction, porn addiction, or other behavioral problems from someone who can really help you manage those problems while you are still immersed in gay culture. I would be sad if you chose this route, but I cannot force you to do what other people and I did. You have to make your own choices and make peace with God.

There are lots of ex-gay ministries and books out there, which can help you figure out where your life is going to go. I am offering up English Manif to give you tips and pep talks if you know you have a strong sex urge and feel it can be a force for good, you need to be totally dedicated to a woman and cannot handle the ambiguity of being that way while still having ties to gay life, and you are willing to make a lot of personal sacrifices and endure struggles to get to your goal of being in a straight, chaste marriage.

How long a journey is this?

To give you a sense of what I have seen in people I know, the time frame is usually in years from the moment that you decide to get out of homosexuality to the point where you are married and in a chaste, healthy relationship to a woman.

The years vary and often the progression is messy with backsliding moments and a lot of heartbreak. If you are starting younger, then your journey can sometimes be longer, sometimes shorter, depending. 

In my case the timeframe was fast because I met and fell in love with a specific woman and lost my virginity much sooner than I thought I would. When I had the chance to move in with her I was so in love I hurried into it. I did not want to be sinful and cohabitate so we got married quickly. At the time I was Catholic, so when the priest found out we'd married in City Hall he forbade me from communion and brought me under church discipline. As a result we had a church wedding but that came significantly later. We have remained married for almost two decades and I would describe our marriage as very happy. We had ups and downs, believe me. But right now things are super strong.

Other people tend to describe timeframes of two years or more.

I can tell you that when I speak to straight guys who had trouble finding wives, their struggles seem to last a lot longer. Ex-gay men I know who decided they wanted to get married to a woman tend to move faster than straight men who have always taken heterosexuality for granted.

Monday, May 21, 2018

TIP (5): FORGIVENESS

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Is this journey really right for you?

To put a difficult past behind you, your greatest weapon is usually forgiveness. Nothing gives you power and freedom like the ability to forgive people for what they did to you. Once you forgive, you are unbound, free to venture out into other places and experiences.

The problem with so many movements, from MeToo to critical race theory to cultural Marxism, is the inability to begin the conversation with forgiveness. You are enslaved by oppressors twice if you can't let go of the oppression: the event of your subjugation, and the eternal slavery of being angry about things that cannot be changed.

On the journey from gay to straight, this is one key thing you will have to be ready for. You can never move forward until you forgive everyone who did mean things to you. Abandon revenge. Try no longer to win old arguments.

It is the particular burden of men to forgive. Women bear the burden of being physically weaker, so they find it harder to let down their guard. You are not safe when you forgive, and women have to worry about safety for themselves and their loved ones. But on this journey you have to become fully male. You will take on the labor and danger of forgiveness. And that will set you free.

TIP (4) FOR MONDAY: THINK OF KING DAVID

I had a great conversation with a young woman today who is currently studying 2 Samuel. We talked about King David. I found myself confessing that I feel conflicted over David. I know that God loved him with a special love. But King David made so many terrible mistakes.

Every part of the Bible is there for a reason. Ex-gay men need to look no further than David for inspiration. Yes, David let his own passions get the better of him and made awful mistakes, including one I hope none of you all will commit in your own lives -- he caused a man to die on the battlefield just so his wife Bathsheba could be free to become one of David's wives.

But the emotion and heartfelt zeal of the Psalms remains one of the greatest forces in the holy text. And these come from David's heart. God wants men to be like David. He wants us to have a male zeal, an emotional drive to confront challenges and charge ahead. But God knows that we will make mistakes because that drive inside of us is so hard to control and direct responsibly.

Yet what kind of man could come back from being immersed in dysfunctional life, reinvent himself, and make himself a charming and faithful husband to a woman? You have to be a little crazy, a little reckless, a little shameless, a little cocky to pull that off. Grieve for your mistakes as David did. Publicly witness to what you have done wrong. Let the prophets like Nathan call you to the carpet. But love God. Hear God. And don't spend all day long deliberating and listening to experts tell you how to live life.

Go out and live life.

TIP (3): HOW TO DEAL WITH CATHOLIC DEBATES LIKE THE ONE ABOUT THE POPE SAYING "GOD MADE YOU GAY"

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"Why is the Pope telling a man who got raped by a priest that God made him gay?" That's the big question.

A couple of people have contacted me about a controversy swirling about reports that Pope Francis told a sex abuse victim that God made him gay. They have asked for my comments but I am just going to blog about it, because I do not have time to put out something super fancy and well-edited.

TIP (2) FOR MONDAY: BIBLE VERSES PEOPLE OVERLOOK THAT WILL HELP YOUR JOURNEY

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Just a quick booster note before I rush out to do my work for the day. I got a piece published for a Christian action group, which I am so grateful for. Some things happened in the last few weeks that I have to take as a call from God; the message from Christ was loud and clear, though I cannot give the details. I know what my mission is right now, and it is to offer practical help to people who are struggling out there, to find hope and uplift in a culture of hate and strife. The piece I ran this weekend encouraged Christians to shift, as much as they can, their focus in the debate on LGBT issues. 

Instead of debating the scriptures that ban homosexuality (the "clobber verses"), I think Christians need to focus on the scriptures that mandate heterosexual sex. Not only is this better for the people they are trying to reach -- namely, people who have called themselves gay but who want to, and can, go on the easy journey to straight identity and living. Also, the debate is healthier for Christians if you focus on the passages where God commands mankind to be heterosexual. 

Sunday, May 20, 2018

EX-GAY TIP FOR MONDAY: REASONS TO STOP TALKING ABOUT GOING STRAIGHT, AND JUST DO IT

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With the current raging obsession among pro-gay elites about the supposed horrors of "conversion therapy," you may lose sight of a crucial reality. Tons of people go from gay to straight, with a relatively strong record of success. Are their straight marriages perfect? No, of course not, because no marriage is perfect. Do they sometimes grapple with recurring thoughts about homosexuality? Many do, but over time these recurrences matter less and less. Do they backslide? Some do, but they tend to recover.

It amazes me whenever public figures issue broad generalizations that say nobody has ever changed their sexual orientation. Nobody can even agree on what "sexual orientation" means. Not to mention that the LGBTQIAA+ acronym got so large because it had to accommodate complex stories like bisexuals, queer-identified people, pansexuals, questioning, etc. Many of these flukes include people who simply can't be called "gay" because they are in straight relationships now. Only the gay movement does not want to admit that people make this change so they create more fancy terms to hide what really happened.

But here is what I want to say to you, Mr. Ex-Gay out there. If you've been talking and thinking about getting out of gay life, just get started. Do it already! Below are some reasons why you should start.

If you're entertaining the thought of getting out of the gay lifestyle, you have probably already sowed your wild oats.

You are on this webpage for a reason. Something is going on with your gay life that you have come to find boring, disturbing, or harmful to you. Whatever wild time you had in the gay scene, it's behind you now. You do not need thrills or cheap amusements anymore because you've been there and done that. While going straight demands a lot from you, it will be worth it. The journey even with its tough moments will be more fun, probably, than spending the next three years on Grindr.

Much of what you do for the purpose of going straight is good for you even if, the Lord forbid, you decide in the end to go back to the gay world.

Everything English Manif sets down for the journey from gay to straight is good for you. Everyone should exercise and get fit. Everyone should quit porn and put the folks who exploit porn talent out of business. Everyone should find better things to do with their time than masturbate. If you follow the rules here, you will improve your health, become more confident and clear-headed, learn about yourself, and become more focused on pleasing others rather than on masturbatory self-gratification. That's all good!
Phase 3 is a good thing--devoting a time in your life to preparing yourself for a future mate.

If you remember, Phase 3 is where you have already left the gay community but you are not dating yet. You are working out, working on your career, learning to be a better listener, improving your living situation, and letting the bad memories of the past fade. You are building your faith in God and transforming yourself into the kind of man a woman finds desirable: strong, fit, ready to lead, a problem-solver, a good listener. These are good things you would want to do anyway, even if you were just going to stay in the gay community (which you aren't!)

Dating the way English Manif recommends it is fun.

If you take the time to go through Phases 1-3, then the dating period can be a lot of fun. Remember that English Manif does not recommend you try to become "straight" by proving you find every woman on earth attractive. English Manif says you have to be very persistent and patient and find one woman who is going to take your virginity and win your heart as she gives her heart to you. In phase 4 you will face rejection and might have your heart broken a few times, but the dating period is basically going places with women and having fun so you can get to know them and see if you like each other. It's fun to go to movies, carnivals, ferris wheel rides, hikes, museums, guest lectures, dinners in fancy restaurants. Women are really interesting! So even if you spend a lot of time in Phase 4 not feeling like a turned-on straight man, it doesn't matter--you are enjoying yourself. You are learning about different women. And chances are high that one of them will be into you and will pique your interest enough to push you over the threshold. At some point, a woman will attract your authentic interest. If you are relaxed and flexible enough during this dating period, it will not feel belabored and strict--it will happen naturally that at some point one of the women you date will make such good company, you will feel naturally drawn to going exclusive with her. At some point when you are kissing one of these women, and holding her in your arms, you will suddenly feel a warmth inside you, and you will realize, you aren't faking or forcing anything. You really like her.

Ex-gay men I know actually do well with women, when you compare them to regular straight guys.

I do not have a clear explanation for what I am about to tell you. I cannot go into many details because these men's pasts are carefully kept secrets. But the ex-gay men I've known have tended to couple with women within just a few years after deciding to leave the gay community. This may be because the men who get up the nerve to say they are going to leave and put their mind to it are a specific type of men. But mostly the cases I know point to the amazing capacity of men to apply even their hardest life lessons for good. Guys who come out of the gay scene and work hard on themselves to become more masculine, healthy, and stable, then go out and date carefully in search of a wife--these guys fare better than straight men who have taken heterosexuality for granted all their lives. My theory is that it takes a certain kind of guy to decide to go ex-gay. He is typically a guy who knows what he wants and appreciates what the value is of the goal he is pursuing. If he is determined to get out of the gay scene, he is usually going to be driven and focused, able to take control of his life and follow a plan. He comes with a history of overcoming adversity, usually, and that prepares him for the rejection of the dating years as well as the backlash from the gay community. The average single woman these days does not have tons of straight-guy options. Some of them are happy to get an ex-gay man who has learned through hardship how to consider other people's needs. Someone who went through years in a dark community lacking women is often aware of how valuable women are. And shows it. 

The alternative to getting out of the gay community is staying in the gay community.

And you know the gay community is a rough place. Otherwise you would not be on this website. Yes, it's true it is hard to give up porn and masturbation. But the alternative is to stay in the gay community and deal with unclean sex and snark all around you, for the rest of your life. Maybe pledging not to masturbate isn't that bad of an idea after all.